Special Agent Erick Bolt. Ah, the very name conjures up memories of the 1965 TV series, “The F.B.I.,” starring the snappily dressed Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. The very cool thing about that old series was the F.B.I. Director J. Edgar Hoover served as a consultant until his death in 1972. Unfortunately, whoever sent the email claiming to be from Special Agent Erick Bolt should have hired his own consultant—this one’s bad. I can’t do justice to the absurdity of this email without passing along the text. So here’s the first paragraph. Booboos are in bold. MY CRITIQUE IS IN CAPS.
“I am Special Agent Erick Bolt from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Field Intelligence Groups (FIGs), we Intercepted (INCORRECT CAPITALIZATION) two consignment box (PLURALIZATION) at JFK Airport, New York (THERE’S ANOTHER JFK AIRPORT?), the boxes were scanned but found out (EGADS, THE BOXES WERE FOUND OUT) that it (INCORRECT PRONOUN) contained large sum of money (YIKES! WHERE DO I START?) ($4.1 million) and also some backup documents which bears (SUBJECT-VERB AGREEMENT) your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver of the money (INCORRECT TERM? SHOULD BE MONEYS), (INCORRECT COMMA USAGE. USE PERIODS TO END A SENTENCE) Investigation carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the United States (WAIT, WAS THE DIPLOMAT IN THE BOXES? HOW BIG ARE THESE, ANYWAY?), said that he was to deliver the fund (URAL-PLAY ON THE UND-FAY, OY-BAY Editors critique of McKenna’s critique: Pig Latin is not cool, not everyone may understand it.) to your residence as overdue payment owed to you by the Federal Republic of Nigeria through the security company in the United Kingdom.”
WHEW! That’s a lot of uh-ohs in one paragraph. We’ll be here all day if I do the whole thing, so let’s just say the whole grammar thing nets our sender a solid D. As they say, but wait! There’s more. What’s next?
“Meanwhile, we cross check all legal documents in the boxes but we found out that your consignment was lacking an important document and we cannot release the boxes to the diplomat until the document is found, right now we have no other choice than to confiscate your consignment.” Hmmm, makes sense. If the feds don’t have the paperwork—well, we all know where that goes.
The next paragraph lets me know what paperwork I’ll have to file with the IRS—thank you! But, then threatens me with charges of money laundering and currency violation.
“According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26 also contain reporting requirement on a Form 8300, Report of Cash Payment Over $10,000 Received in a Trade or Business, money laundering activity may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, and provision of Title 31, and 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), this section will discuss only those money laundering and currency violation under the jurisdiction of IRS, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, therefore you need to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure this certificate to enable us relieved the charge of evading the law on you, which is a punishable offense in the United States.”
And now the threat that’s intended to galvanize me into action.
“You are required to reply back within 72hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering, also you are instructed to desist from further contact with any bank(s) or person(s) in Nigeria or the United kingdom or any part of the world regarding your payment because your consignment has been confiscated by the Federal Bureau here in the United States.”
After having thought it over carefully for all of two seconds, my reply to Special Agent Bolt is as follows. “Dear Special Agent Bolt: Thank youse for contacting me regarding this shipment of moneys. I reflectively must decline these shipment as your email was not delivered in timely manner due to USPS shipping error. McKenna.”
If you’re still with me, I’d love to hear what you thought of this one. You can leave a comment or share—it’s all good.