A Private Investigator looks at romance scams

This post follows up on last month’s post, Greed and love — the 2021 romance scam perfected. The difference is, this month we’re getting personal. Elizabeth Breck, a licensed private investigator in San Diego, describes her own experience with romance scams. Elizabeth is also the author of the Madison Kelly Mystery Series. Anonymous came out to critical acclaim in 2020, and Double Take, the second book in the series, was released on October 12, 2021. You can learn more about Elizabeth at elizabethbreck.com. 

A private investigator looks at romance scams

“I’ve still got it!” my friend exclaimed, showing me the handsome man who had “slipped into her DMs” (direct messages) on Instagram. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the handsome doctor wasn’t a real person. He was the creation of a criminal mind: a person or persons, probably from another country, who designed the account to hook a lonely, middle-aged woman into starting an internet friendship that would inevitably lead to a request for money. As a private investigator, I’ve seen this happen more than once: first comes the late night DM chats, then the commiseration over being lonely, and then when the woman is hooked, the request to borrow some money appears. He needs the money for just a few days, since his funds are “tied up right now.” He might need the money for a child’s operation, or to get him back into the country, since he’s been abroad helping sick children and lost his passport (so please wire the money to Ethiopia). 

People are trusting. 

It’s sweet. But it makes them easy targets. According to the FTC, in 2019 consumers lost over 200 million to romance scams. I get at least two scam attempts a week, and they’re easy to spot: a handsome professional starts to follow me on Instagram, late 40s to early 60s—the perfect age to catch a middle-aged woman (yes, that’s me); the men have only a couple of posts and hardly any followers. Occasionally, their account is private, so you have to request permission to follow them back. You’ll soon get a request to DM that says, “Hi, Beautiful,” or similar. You can do a reverse image search on Google and find the actual owner of the photos, and it will be an identity theft victim who is not your admirer. But even without the Google search, if you see the above setup, it’s fake. You can report it to Instagram and the profile will be taken down quickly; I’ve gotten tired of the time it takes and just block them.

Romance scams can happen to anyone, even a private investigator

I even got scammed in real life, although it wasn’t for money. Just to show you romance scams can happen to anyone: years ago I met a handsome man on an internet dating site who was desperate to meet me. I was surprised at his interest since I was five years older, and I insisted on an immediate meeting; I thought he was a fake and would disappear. But we arranged to meet at a restaurant, and I waited in my car…and he showed up! He was real after all. I texted my friend his license plate number for safety and walked inside. We had much in common, and there was a definite attraction. But he came on suspiciously strong: he wanted a committed relationship right away (did that have anything to do with my refusing to get physical until we were monogamous?)

Nevertheless, I drove home excited about a possible new love. And that’s when my private investigator side took over: “Do a background check on him,” I said to myself.   

“No, just see what happens,” my romantic side said.

“If he is who he says he is, then I can be romantic,” I decided. Can you guess what happened? 

All it took were some Google searches that anyone could’ve done: he lived with his wife and young daughter. 

He knew I was a private investigator, and yet he still tried to pull this off! He has serious issues: I’m decent looking, but certainly no supermodel. There must’ve been something about the chase, or the sneaking around; or maybe even something more sinister and I would’ve ended up missing, with my friend giving the police the license plate number I’d texted her.

Revenge? Or walk away?

It took a bit longer, and more expertise, but I figured out how I might “accidentally” bump into his wife, so that I could tell her what her husband was doing. However, after consultation with a friend and a lot of meditating, I decided instead to just send him a text that said: “Sorry, this isn’t going to work out,” and I blocked his number and walked away.

Why didn’t I tell his wife? Several reasons. We all know women who have been with serial cheaters, and they know; and yet, they always come back. My telling her would upset her and drag me into the middle of a mess, and then she would likely end up staying anyway. Also, he might be dangerous: when confronted by her, he could hurt her. What did I hope to achieve by telling her? Their relationship was none of my business, and nothing I did was going to change him. I wouldn’t be dating him, and that was where my part in the fiasco ended. I struggled with the decision not to tell his wife, and frankly, I still do. What would you have done? 

Anyway, it just shows you that there are scammers everywhere; even those brave enough to try to scam a PI.